Where's me maul?

Today is the deadline for responses to the comedy proposal from Defra regarding the proposed amendment to s106 of Water Industry Act to remove the right to make connections to existing surface water drains and sewers, and to require all new paving to front gardens to be permeable. As many readers will be aware, this proposal has caused a great deal of concern amongst contractors, some of whom have chosen to vent their spleen in The Brew Cabin.

Residential paving contractors have no unified voice to represent their views, so over the past two months, I've been canvassing opinion via email and phone, as well as following the various discussions that have developed in The Brew Cabin and have attempted to summarise the points made and opinions held in a single document which I have just forwarded to Defra for consideration.

Anyone wanting to read my submission can download a copy from here. It's a Word document, so should be readily accessible by most, if not all, interested parties.

Obviously, this is a story that is bound to unfold over the coming months and I hope to keep up-to-date with what is being said and done, but, up to now, the opinion of the small residential paving contractor, so-called White Van Man, has been missing from the considerations. Indeed, you only have to read the worryingly partial Impact Assessment document to get a feel of how uninformed and naive regarding our trade this project has been to date.

I'd welcome thoughts and comments on what I've written in the response document, either here on the blog, in The Brew Cabin, by email or by phone. The more information and opinion from smaller contractors that I have, the better I can present those opinions to the consultation.

This proposal directly affects our trade. I can't think of any other industry that would be so blithely ignored when considering legislation that could devastate their livelihood. If we don't speak up and present our case, we can't complain when the politicians, the academics, the Whitehall mandarins and all the usual suits impose THEIR will upon us.

The onset of Spring has coincided with a couple of time-consuming projects that has resulted in me working every single day for the past 3 months, with no parole to play in my garden, and no opportunity to update this blog. The mad panic generated by DEFRA's part-baked ideas on mandatory permeable paving has resulted in me spending at least half of every day talking to worried contractors and other interested parties, and simultaneously preparing a response that will be submitted to DEFRA later today. On top of that, the HSE project to require the use of dust suppression when cutting concrete paving units has reached a climax, with the official launch taking place next week. I've been involved in creating a DVD aimed at site workers and while it's been incredibly enjoyable and eminently worthy, it's taken up more time than I anticipated.

However, a Chilean correspondent has been emailing to tell me about work taking place in Valparaiso, where much of the paving that was originally imported from Liverpool, is now being re-laid.

Luis Chirino-Galvez, known as Lucho, publishes a series of blogs that comment on cultural and geological events in his home town, Valparaiso, which is located on the Pacific coast of central Chile, South America. He's taken a real interest in the setts that are being lifted and relaid, and for anyone interested in what would be termed "Heritage Paving" in north-western Europe, will enjoy Lucho's photos and commentary. He's been posting updates throughout February and March ....

http://geoscience101.blogspot.com/2006/12/adoquines-son-un-elemento-ptreo.html
http://festivalpo.blogspot.com/2008/03/cobblestones-repairing-wrong-way.html
http://festivalpo.blogspot.com/2008/02/cobblestones.html
http://festivalpo.blogspot.com/2008/02/marbles.html
http://festivalpo.blogspot.com/2008/02/cobblestones-permeable-pavement.html
http://festivalpo.blogspot.com/2008/02/restoring-cobblestoned-streets

The government published its vision for future surface water management yesterday, and there are a couple of "initiatives" that are going to have a massive impact on the patio and driveways businesses.

I picked up on the story in The Guardian this morning, but as that article is pretty non-specific and littered with quotes from peripheral bodies such as the RSPB and the National Trust, but no comment at all from anyone in the paving business or the wider construction industry, I tracked down the DEFRA document and read it for myself.

Much of it reads like most other government publications: long on vision and promises, yet short on action and funding, but tucked away on page 59 is the shock news that, in future, the right of householders to create off-road parking for themselves will lose its exemption from planning permission, unless it is a loose material such as gravel, or a permeable block system. Further, the right of householders to make a connection to an existing SW system is likely to be withdrawn.

This, in effect, means an end to traditional driveways constructed from block paving, bitmac, concrete, PIC, setts, flags...in fact, it means massive changes to an industry that is virtually unregulated and, for a large part, untrained. Just where does the govt think all these skilled permeable pavement installers will come from? We haven't got enough competent installers to cope with demand for Permeable Concrete Block Paving (PCBP) from the commercial sector, let alone the private, residential market. Without effective training, we face having thousands of ineffective cowboy installations, and poorly installed PCBP can cause far more serious problems than traditional CBPs or even tinker-laid bitmac.

Whilst fully agreeing with the aims of this initiative, I have severe reservations regarding its chance of success. The patio and driveway trade has been given a free rein for decades: attempting to impose some semblance of order and regulation will not be an easy task. Those contractors with a degree of integrity will, no doubt, do their best to play by the rules, but I fear those rogues that blight our trade, will manipulate this into yet another way to undercut the honest tradesman.

Further, who gets their collar felt when it comes to light that the new driveway Mr & Mrs Smith have just had installed isn't actually permeable/porous? The dodgy contractor will be long gone, his pockets stuffed with ill-gotten pound notes, which leaves the householder facing the wrath of DEFRA and the local council, and, yet again, the paving trade, en masse, will be portrayed as a bunch of money-grabbing, untrustworthy, shonky ne'er-do-wells.

Coming up with such a scheme is all well and good, but how will it be implemented, and how will it be policed?

Many of the regular site visitors will be aware that I've been involved with a HSE project looking at ways to introduce mandatory dust suppression for cutting all concrete paving materials from the Spring of this year. Basically, from the launch (probably April), it will be "sternly frowned upon" for any paving contractor to use a cut-off saw without dust suppression, which will mean a water-kit being attached.

This is not some eejit idea from the HSE imposed on us from on high: they've pulled together a fairly representative committee of "interested parties", which includes meself, Interpave (for the manufacturers), Highways Agency, Daniel Contractors, Civil Engineers Contractors Association, Stihl, Makita, Speedy Hire, Local Govt, Unions and a few others. The aim has been to produce a strategy that will be accepted by the industry rather than summat we'll all resent and ignore.

I've been heavily involved in the "training and communications" sub-group, and it's our job to produce the posters, leaflets, videos and whathaveyou. We now have what we think is a reasonable information leaflet and we need feedback from contractors and others in the industry to make sure it gets the message across clearly and succinctly. The leaflet is still "draft" but I've got permission to let it be viewed by interested parties to obtain their feedback.


Anyone willing to review the very short leaflet and let us have their thoughts should email me at the usual address (tony AT name-of-website) and I'll send you a link. Comments required by Jan 17th (a week tomorrow), please.

I'm sure some readers of this site wonder if, at times, my attitude to the laying of paving is a bit too "belt and braces", and that my insistence on using the best materials in the correct manner can occasionally be a bit OTT. I usually defend my position with something along the lines of, "If a job's worth doing....".

So: imagine you'd laid a bit of paving on a job and it turned out that you'd inadvertently used the wrong sand. Instead of playing by the rules and using a proper grit/sharp/coarse sand, you thought you'd use a bit of local sand that was going cheap, and was being promoted as eco-friendly recycling of an otherwise waste material. How much do you reckon it would cost to replace said cheap sand when the paving started wobbling and settling and shifting and tripping-up folks?

A couple of quid per square metre? That would cover the replacement sand, surely, but what about the labour of lifting and re-laying? Perhaps twenty quid? Thirty?

How about a whopping 160 quid per metre? That's the figure quoted in this BBC News report regrading the cost to replace the wrong sand used to lay the paving in the centre of Falmouth in 2001. One hundred and sixty frigging quid per square metre for the wrong sand! The poll tax payers of ancient Kernow are to stump up £160,000 to lift and re-lay a mere 1,000m² of paving.

I reckon someone, somewhere, is feeling a little bit reluctant to admit that the few pence per square metre they saved by bringing in some cheap sand is now costing the public about the same as a whole new pavement.

Thanks to long-time site reader Jon R from Chesterfield for bringing this to my attention. Good to hear from you again, Jon!

Mrs Taz and meself celebrated (if that’s the right word) our silver wedding this week. It’s hard to believe we’ve been lumbered with each other for 25 years (plus another 4 years of on-and-off courting) but at least our mutual betrothal has prevented two innocent parties from having their lives ruined.

Mrs Taz broke her leg a couple of months back, and the enforced rest has enabled her to devote even more time to monitoring the output of the National Geographic and Discovery channels, and particularly the near-perpetual cycle of documentaries concerning the so-called “Boy King”, one of which seems to be on the screen every time I pass through the lounge. So, what could be more appropriate than a visit to the Tutankhamun exhibition currently holding court at the Minnellium Dome in that London? I reluctantly agreed to take time off my vital work, and promised not to talk about paving, nor to take any photos of paving, nor to have the craic with any streetworks gangs at any time while away in that London, but to devote myself to alleged cultural activities, namely King Tut, a big dinner, an evening at the theatre, and the wanton pillaging of my wallet whilst being dragged kicking and screaming along Bond Street.

King Tut? What an anti-climax! What’s the one bit of kit that anyone over the age of three associates with the lad? That big golden head-piece yoke, of course, and that’s the one item that’s missing. They have its picture on the glossy carrier bags, and on the tickets. It’s even on the website (see for yourself), but the thing is not at the exhibition, and that, for me, is a major disappointment. Is this not a blatant breach of advertising standards? Are they allowed to promote the event by portraying an item that doesn’t actually appear in the exhibition? I wasted the best part of three hours wandering through an overgrown tent looking at all sorts of tat from ancient Egypt and a handful of items that actually had a direct connection to the man himself, but no big gold mask.

What they did have, though, was the most exorbitantly priced and grossly exploitative “gift shop” it’s ever been my misfortune to visit. It’s located at the end of the tour, between the final gallery and the exit, so there’s no option but to pass through as you fight your way between the throngs of unimpressed primary school groups that are desperately seeking some souvenir they can buy with the fiver begrudgingly pressed into their hand by an emotionally-blackmailed parent that morning. I know that these ‘souvenir shops’ are an essential economic strand of these events and that they help ensure the financial success of many an exhibition, but to charge 5p short of nine quid for a tacky plastic keyring, or ten quid for a glass bauble that’s on sale in Poundland for a tenth of that price is nothing short of daylight robbery, and exploitative daylight robbery, at that. 15 quid for a baseball cap! 7 quid for a coloured cardboard replica of the missing head piece!! I was appalled, and listening to the comments of other visitors, they too felt it was a rip off.

The show organisers point out that “a percentage” of the funds conned from their captive audience will support important archaeological research in Egypt, and I, along with thousands of others, would normally have no problem with that. I’d gladly put a fiver or a tenner into a collection box if that donation was all to be used for further research, but I abhor the sense of being duped, of being treated as some sort of mug that doesn’t even have the nous to realise he’s being royally screwed. If it wasn’t for the fact that Mrs Taz desperately wanted a souvenir, I would have left buying nothing and felt better for it, but, not wishing to destroy a quarter century of relatively peaceful co-habitation, I agreed to the purchase of a post card for 60p. If they hadn’t been so greedy and contemptuous of their customers, I’d probably have spent more.

Very, very disappointing.

PS – there’s some poorly laid Turkish travertine flagstones on the floor in one or two of the galleries, but don’t tell Mrs Taz that I noticed it!

It's over a week ago now, but this is the first chance I've had to get something online. I spent last Thursday and Friday down at Probst UK main depot in Wem watching a trial installation of Blockleys' clay pavers. You can read all about that on the news page, but while I was there I had my first real chance to play with the battery-powered block splitter which I saw at SED way back in the spring.

It's a bit of a beast, and, as one of my contractor chums commented, the offcuts flying out at the speed of a bullet are bound to attract the attention of the Elfin Safety Officer on site, but is this the future for those bone-idle block layers who find the effort of pulling a level just too much of a strain?

If you're interested in one, expect to fork out around two-and-a-half grand, but then it is a Probst, so you know it's just about as good as it gets and it won't let you down.





More info from Neil Jones @ Probst UK - 01939 235325 - njones AT probst-handling DOT co DOT uk

I spent Monday down at Aco Towers near Hitchin, photographing the installation of their latest linear channel, a lightweight but incredibly tough PP unit capable of withstanding a 25 tonne load. This is the latest chapter in an ongoing project to create comprehensive installation guides for various Aco products. The Drive Drain Garage Pack was done back during the so-called summer, and now we're looking at Hex Drain and Brickslot.

Anticipating an early start on Monday morning, I drove down on Sunday evening and spent the night at a weird motel a few miles from the site, and it was during the 190+ mile jaunt along the nation's motorway network that I detected an almost ever-present whiff of chips.

It used to be that the smell of re-fried chips meant you were within 5 miles of Blackpool, an essential skill when judging how much longer you'd be stuck on the coach before achieving blessed freedom at Talbot Road coach depot. However, with the growing use of what is referred to as "Bio-Diesel" amongst the 4x4-driving fraternity, every motorway journey now reeks of burning chip fat, and not even good quality lard, but cheap vegetable oil that makes for inferior chips but, allegedly, works well as an alternative fuel.

But the future for chip-fat fueled motoring may not be as rosy as first seems. Given the drive (no pun intended) against obesity, it can only be a matter of time before chips and other deep-fried delicacies are banished and this relatively new source of cheap fuel is lost to humanity. What then? Will the Land Rover be re-named as the Lard Rover? Will the middle classes power their X5s with Extra Virgin Olive Oil? Will my L200 run on the residue of my once-a-month Sunday fry-up?

Another in the occasional series of heart-stopping questions that come in to the website. In this case, I can't really blame the questioner as he isn't familiar with building technology, but this so-called builder? Well, he should be strung-up by his danglies!


"Had some flags done Easter 2007, big puddles, bloke had to redo a big section, now he has half covered the airbricks that are below my patio doors leading into a wooden floored room. He now claims he will move the airbricks up....I am concerned, can you advise?"


Advise? I can only advise that this clown is reported to Trading Standards before he wrecks your house!

I've finally finished the page on stepping stones, a project first started back in 1999 according to my notes. Eight years: so much for instant publishing on the web, eh?

It started as a rough outline, then I had a heart attack and it got stuck in a "I'll finish this one day" folder, which has since been carried forward to two successor computers without ever actually being finished. It was a post in The Brew Cabin earlier this week that prompted me to finally complete the drawings and get the thing done, once and for all.

Only another 73 partially-complete pages left in that folder, now!

By 'eck! It seems the meejah really have got it in for the hard-landscaping industry. Hot on the heels of an ongoing "investigation" of ethical issues in the importation of stone for paving and walling, the gunsights are being re-targeted, and it's the cement and concrete industry that's in the firing line this time.

Friday's Guardian carried a full-page piece about the carbon-bootprint of cement manufacturing, and while there is valid cause for concern, there's no indication of how the environmental impact of cement can be reduced. The article makes reference to the "hard time" that's been given to the aviation industry over CO2 emissions, and hints that the same sort of rough ride might be on the cards for the cement trade, but fails to acknowledge that, while trips to Prague and Riga for stag weekends are a luxury that we could manage without (Blackpool isn't all that bad for pre-nuptual shenanigans!), the prospect of us going back to wattle and daub is much more fanciful.

Yes: cement manufacture churns out millions of tonnes of CO2 and consumes vast quantities of energy, but what's the alternative? Marshalls have been working to reduce their total carbon emission from block production, while Charcon have signed up to the Carbon Trust, and I know that most, if not all, Western cement manufacturers look at how they can maximise the quantity of cement produced for the minimum energy input, if only for economic rather than environmental reasons.

All life has an impact on the environment. We're all part of the environment and even the act of breathing emits carbon dioxide. It's impossible to exist without affecting the environment. Some activities can be portrayed as exorbitant and unsustainable; construction is vital and one of the activities that makes us human. As the Builder and Engineer awards on Wednesday night sought to emphasise, the construction industry is beginning to re-assess its environmental impact and develop working methods and materials that minimise any deleterious effect, but we will never reach a point where construction, or humanity, has zero impact. If we do, it means we've become extinct!

I’m not the sort of bloke that’s comfortable in a suit. Weddings, funerals and the occasional exceptionally important business meeting are the only reasons for surrendering my usual outfit of casual shirt and jeans. So the odds on me dressing in what is referred to as “Evening Wear” in educated circles and a “Penguin Suit” by the son and heir would normally be slightly more generous than those offered on Nessie to be seen riding a Harley Davidson down the M6 with Elvis riding pillion and Lord Lucan in the sidecar.

However, one of the better annual award events has a “Black Tie” policy, which doesn’t actually mean “wear a tie that is black”, but “wear the most uncomfortable shirt you can find and with it a bow-shaped noose that constricts the throat”, so, if you want to take part in the fun and games, you have to wear the comedy outfit.

All of which explains why, on Wednesday night, an awkward, discomposed and self-conscious-looking ex-contractor could be seen lurking outside Manchester’s resplendent Palace Hotel, waiting for his generous hosts from Charcon to find their way to the big city so that they might confer the award for “Public Project of the Year” on a worthy recipient.

The Builder and Engineer awards recognise achievement in the commercial and public sector, and the focus this year was very much on wider environmental concerns and carbon footprints in particular. A total of 14 awards are doled out, offering varying degrees of interest to someone from a civils/hard-landscaping background, from almost-none to quite-a-lot. The full list of categories, nominees and eventual winners can be found on the Builder and Engineer website, but a couple are worth mentioning. The Charcon award (or Char-sonne, if you prefer the MC Mike Shaft pronunciation) for Public Project of the Year went to Birse Civils for the A58 Blackbrook by-pass on the outskirts of St. Helens, notable because a colleague of mine was involved in some of the kerb-laying and also for being the source of the JCB that unwittingly led my Father’s funeral cortege along the East Lancs Road last December, an incident that would have amused him greatly.

Civils Contractor of the year went to Alfred McAlpine in recognition of their work on widening the M60 Manchester orbital car park with a enviable record of having two periods covering in excess of 1 million man hours without a single notifiable accident, which, when you consider we’re talking about groundworkers, navvies, digger-drivers and blacktop gangs, is nothing short of a miracle.

Product of the year, for the second year running, overlooked a bloody clever idea from Advanced Sewer Products and went instead to some scaffolding/formwork gizmo. If you have any involvement at all with sewers or drains, I urge you to take a look at the CamStopper and CamPole products, because they will make your working life safer and easier.

Some interesting gossip, as there always is at these events.

Charcon marketing boss, the ever-genial Fraser Higgins, let me have one of the first copies of the new SUDS design manual, which I’m planning to review in more detail over the next few days. At first glance, it’s very, very impressive and is certain to become the design manual by which the others are judged. Watch the News pages for the review towards the back end of next week.

The tame CBP makers at Charcon have come up with what might be considered a spiffing wheeze. I was shown a new block a couple of weeks back, on condition that I swore a solemn vow to keep me trap shut. However, I’m fairly confident that I won’t be shot at dawn for revealing that it’s damned clever and very, very attractive. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that it’s the best new CBP I’ve seen in 4 years. Latest news is that development is ploughing ahead at full speed and trial sites are being sought. If you have a 100-300m2 commercial/retail/housing site ready to be paved in the next month or so, and would like to be considered as a trial, drop me an email with details of the project and I’ll pass it on to the Charcon block boffins.

Also some surprising news from the Bradstone camp, but I’m not sure whether it’s embargoed, so I’ll say nowt until I’m told otherwise. Suffice to say it’s a disappointment, but I can understand the reasoning…sort of.

Thankfully, the rather disturbing photos of yours truly in a penguin outfit are not fit for publication, so you’re spared that horror, but I’d like to thank Fraser and everyone at Charcon for inviting me to enjoy their munificent hospitality, to offer sincere congratulations to the award winners, and thank my lucky stars that I didn’t win the Chubby Brown tickets in the “Good Cause” raffle (which raised in excess of three grand for the chosen charity, Caudwell Children).

The pleated shirt and bow-tie can now go back into hibernation…or I could put them on EBay, I suppose!

We all know that us contractors are the hardest working people on the planet, and, unlike those wimpy desk-pilots tucked up safe, dry and warm in their centrally-heated, air-conditioned carpeted offices, we never skive off or "swing the lead" when there's work to be done. To avoid bouts of apathy-induced unconsciousness, those office-bound inmates are prone to suspending their vital paper-shuffling and they waste time on t'internet instead, the blackguards. They even have a word for it: Monging.

Monging is what they do because they're bored with re-arranging their pen collection, and fantasising about the exciting and fun-packed life of your typical navvy is driving them insane with jealousy. Monging is not summat that would normally be associated with us titans of the building trade: we've better things to do, such as holes to dig, flags to lay, and clients to belittle.

But, on occasion, it has been known for the comedy weather that torments these islands to get the better of even the best of us, and so we need to take shelter, take refuge, and take a pint or two. For those who find themselves in this nightmarish predicament, may I offer an amusing distraction? I chanced upon this while cleaning-up the trail of gynaecological websites the son and heir had left behind in my browser's history window, and while possibly not as stimulating as some of the other sites, it is safe for use in mixed company, and, more to the point, it's bloody good fun.

Simple premise: you are the driver of a typical contractor's vehicle and have to get to the far end of what looks like it was a decent field until the O&K 23 tonner started tracking across it. The vehicle looks not unlike a L200 or a Navarra, but you can pretend it's a 5 Tonne dumper if you think it will help.

Remember: no monging - this is only for those rare times when you're rained off or the wagon from Travis Bloody Perkins has failed to turn up at the appointed time yet again.

Let me know what you think.

Running the pavingexpert website involves all sorts of mundane and arse-numbingly boring administrative tasks. Those familiar with The Brew Cabin will possibly be aware of the number of offensive posts that have to be removed each day because some gonk in Russia thinks I should pay them not to plaster the site with their drivel. Luckily, a number of Brew Cabin Irregulars help out by monitoring the board and removing the latest alleged boudoir exploits of Broccoli Spears and Paris Hotel more or less as soon as they are posted.

However, one of the other tasks that I manage all on my own is updating the Visitor Book. Again, there are eejits out there that seem to believe people are stupid enough to buy ringtones, pharmaceuticals, and share options from spam ads, so the additions to the Visitor Book have to be "approved" before they appear. Ever since I added a Visitor Book, long before the pavingexpert site was the site it has become, I've been somewhat uncomfortable with the "all submissions are moderated" statement on the relevant page. Moderation is necessary because of the small miniority of pillocks that spoil the 'net for the rest of us, but I worry that some readers might think it means I'd edit or reject message that don't meet my expectations.

In all the years the current Visitor Book (and its predecessor) have been online, I've never edited or rejected a message for editorial or egotistical reasons. The only rejected texts are the blatant spam and a very small number of offensive postings aimed at people other than myself. And it pleases me enormously that a negative comment or a condemnation of the site and its content is a very, very rare event. I fact, I can't call to mind more than a couple in all this time.

The reason for this latest blog post is to mark a hemi-demi-semi-historic moment in Visitor Book history. Yesterday morning, the 2,000th message was posted from another grateful reader. Mark, for that is the name of the unwitting bi-millennial poster, has read the site, built his own driveway, and is chuffed with the result. I'm chuffed that he's chuffed.

Pavingexpert was not created as a DIY guide, but looking back through some of the messages that have been posted over the years, many have been penned by DIYers that have used this site as their source of knowledge and advice, and it's great to know they've found it useful. I've never fully understood the purpose of a Visitor Book, and readily admit that I have rarely signed such a book that didn't belong to a relative or a friend, but having recahed 2,000 signatories, I have to acknowledge that for many people, it is their only way of saying "Thanks".

So I'd like to say "Thanks" in return. Thanks to all you visitors for making this site the most visited hard-landscaping site on the web. Thanks for giving me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Thanks for making me laugh, cry, tear out my hair, and marvel at what can be done with just a little bit of inegrity and common sense. And thanks for letting me know you appreciate my efforts.

I'm only back from Glee for two days, rushed off me feet trying to catch-up with all I missed while away and write my usual show review for the website, and now Mrs Taz has gone A over T while at work and broken her fibula (the thinner of the two bones in yer lower leg). She slipped while climbing a step ladder, fell to the floor and snap! The left foot was hanging loose at a squirm-inducing angle. She's bound to find some way of blaming me for the accident, any moment now, I fear, even though I was good half-mile away at the time.

So now we have the unedifying sight of a cripple using a walking stick trying to wheel another cripple in a chair.

They've plastered her leg, but she has to go back on Wednesday to have it re-set and a more permanent cast fitted. I have an important meeting booked for that day, a meeting that will require me to read the riot act to certain parties. Do I go to the meeting and kick arse or do I go to the hozzy and face the inevitable wrath of Mrs Taz? The only consolation is that, with only the one good leg, she's physically unable to kick my arse!

Today's QOTD.....


my friend layed a concrete patio out side his house and the surface is turning to dust as you turn your feet on it. no i think it was to the lack of cement, is there any thing we can paint, pour like resin on the top to penertrate, to make it hard? or is it start again?


....now: do we really believe this happened to "a friend"?? Would this be one of those "friends" that is prone to contracting STDs, collecting 78 records, enjoying musical theatre, crocheting antimacassars in their spare time, and falling victim to all sorts of other embarassing incidents, perchance?

Also, do you reckon he's right about the lack of cement? Could anyone actually make concrete and forget to add the cement?

Gawd luv 'em!

So my elder daughter is coming up for yet another expensive birthday, and being young, free and single, with her own car, unsubtle hints have been dropped that she'd like a personalised number plate for her girl racer motor, and that the vernacular form of her name just happens to be exactly 3 letters - CEZ. You endow your first born with a beautiful (and unique) name, and then some career-deprived troglodyte abbreviates it to "Cez" or, even worse, Cezzah".

Plates with a Z in them are ten-a-penny in Norn Iron, but on this side of the water, they're after 400 quid and more. I love her to bits, but 400 quid is beyond the budget I had in mind (by about 375 quid, if truth be told!)

However, while I'm on the registration plate site, I start looking around for plates that might be suitable for a middle-aged knackered ex-contractor - not that I ever would, of course, as there's no surer indicator of twattishness in man than a personalised number plate, but hey! There's no harm in looking.

I know! PAV 3R - how arsey would that be? So I type it into the search box. How bloody much??? Ten quid change from 9 grand? Plus VAT. Sod that! Even if I won the lottery this weekend, I don't think I could bring meself to spend ten grand plus on letting the world know that, not only am I a self-important narcissistic twat with more money than sense, I'm also a sad obsessive with a paving fixation!

If you thinks that's bad, they want 21 grand plus for PAV1N, and no sign at all of PAV 10R

News that Europe has given up on attempting to compel Britain to convert fully to the metric system disappoints, but doesn't really surprise me. Just why this island wants to cling to an outdated base 12/14/16 system is one of the great mysteries of life, like nature's love of the Fibonacci series or Marshalls' belief that Diarmuid Gavin's Luna Patio kit was a good idea. Some things are just beyond explanation.

However, the news reminds me of a tale my late father told me regarding his Aunt Peg McCormack, who ran a greengrocery business in Dublin for many years. When Ireland accepted the metric system, she had an elderly customer come into the shop and ask for "five pounds of tayties".

"It's all changed now, Mairead", says Peg. "We're after turning metric and it's kilos we're to use from now on".

"That's fine", answers the bemused customer, "I'll take five pounds of kilos, so".

Labels: anecdote, metric

Is it national "Set Free A Moron" day? Has someone accidentally left open the gate to the asylum? Or is it just a concerted effort to raise my bloodpressure to the point where my heart goes "pop" once more?


I receive over 200 emails each day, and roughly half of these will be questions about some aspect or other of paving or hard-landscaping. Of these, at least half will already be answered somewhere on the site but the questioner just can't be arsed to look for the answer and believes I have nowt better to do with my time but write out, for the umpteenth time, exactly what mix of mortar they should use to lay their patios flags.


Of the remaining 50%, half of them (25%) will be completely undeserving of an answer, such as "would you be interested in constructing my 4 square metre patio in South London? I have a
budget of 200 pounds to spend.", along with the "where's the cheapest place to buy block paving?" type questions.


Then there's the usual huddle of students with the "I was just wondering if you could give me five reasons why a capping layer might be used on a highway construction project and identify under what circumstances a capping layer might be replaced with alternative structure" coursework assignments.


Next come the "We ar number on suplier of lanscape stone in India/China/Vietnam/Brazil/Kenya (delete as applicable) and come to no your estemed busisisness through intenet".


Finally, about 12-20 of the total inbox will be genuine questions from people needing independent and impartial advice on a matter that isn't covered on the site, and I generally find answering these to be stimulating, challenging and a worthwhile use of my limited free time.


But, for some reason, last Saturday saw the highest ever percentage of utter pillock questions of the past year. I've just wasted a full hour wondering whether this is a wind-up or whether it's summat to do with the changing seasons. How would you deal with these?? (Names have been removed to protect the identity of the mentally enfeebled)....

• On page 41 of a brochure I picked up at my local garden centre it shows some nice slabs. What walling would you suggest to go with them?

• Do they sell these in New Zealand?

• I've salvaged a whole lot of roof slates from my cottage. Can I use these to tile my bathroom?

• I can't find this product in Home Depot or Lowe's. Where can I get it in Cincinnati?

• How much is this and do you deliver to Torquay?

• Was it you that layed (sic) my patio last summer?

• My drive measures 32 square metres. How much block paving will I need?

• Is it too warm to lay slabs today?

• I've been asked to lay the kerbs for a 100m long road. Do I lay them on concrete or something else? And should I leave gaps between them to allow the tarmac to drain?

• I've just set-up a landscaping business but I don't like mortar pointing. Can I tell my clients that dry sand will be OK between the Indian flagstones?

• How big is my patio? How can I measure it?

• Is Thompson's Patio Seal dangerous and what are the chemicals in it?

• AT FRONT OF HOUSE HAVE FLAT CLADDING BETWEEN UPPER & GROUND FLOOR WINDOWS. BOW/BAY STYLE REPLACEMENT WINDOWS HAVE BEEN FITTED & WANT TO CHANGE THE CLADDING BETWEEN THEM INTO A CURVED SECTION TO MATCH THE UPPER WINDOW

• Do you think I'd be able to lay my driveway?

• My drive has faded. What can I do?